Midlife Dating: Internet Style

If you’re new to dating again, you need to relearn some skills.  It will come back to you quickly, but only if you’re out there practicing.  You’ll remember how to make a date or break one politely, what kind of first date suits your style, the appropriate conversational level for getting to know a member of the opposite sex, and early warning signals of a disaster.  If you remember without fantasy, it wasn’t easy the first time around either.  Frustration and quiet determination are part of it.

The Internet offers a way to extend your reach.  There are many reasons why people use Internet dating.  You may be in a remote location with few dating prospects, you may prefer to know something about someone before you ask them out, or you may spend a lot of time on the computer and find it a natural way to meet people.

How to begin?  Take a look at some of the different sites:  www.eharmony,com,  www.match.com,  www.bigchurch.com,  www.seniorcircle.com, and  www.seniorscircle.com and get a feel for them.  Particularly pay attention to how the profiles are set up.  Here are some things you’ll want to make sure of:

1. The profile tells you the kind of things about someone you need to know
2. Your anonymity is protected
3. A photo is available
4. There is way to block or permanently end contact with someone
5. They attempt to screen undesirables.  No guarantee but at least, for instance, they say they forbid married people, felons, pornography, hate, erotica.

You have to use your common sense.  There are plenty of midlife singles looking for real dating opportunities for long-term commitment and marriage and you will find them! One hopes people with other desires in mind will find the sites designed for those purpose, of which there are many, and leave the rest of us alone.

Here are some warning clues.

1. Someone who refuses to share a photo.
2. Any inappropriate language – sexual, hate, profanity.
3. Anyone who asks for money.
4. Someone who moves to fast, wanting to skip normal getting to know you stages, asks inappropriate questions (for instance about your sex life) or fails to disclose information at the appropriate time (where you live, how many kids you have)
5. Emphasis on sex.
6. Someone who becomes domineering, giving you orders.
7. Pay attention to the ‘name’ the person uses.  Do you want “Slick&Quick”?  Do you want “SexTrain”?  Often enough people who are nuts don’t have the sense to hide it, and it will be right there in the suggestive, inappropriate or offensive name they choose.
8. Any signs of being desperate or needy.

The best rule of thumb is that anything that feels bad probably is.  You begin with email correspondence, so take your time.

You can be a 55 year old female and get a “wink” from a man who says he’s 40 and wants to date women 20-60.  Of course you eliminate them.

Do people lie on their profiles?  Probably about as much as they do in person, and probably men do more than women (just as they do in real life).  Let’s say they fantasize or exaggerate.  In the best of cases, it’s what they meant at the time – “Let’s live in a villa in Italy” when they’re a car salesman in Dubuque; or “We’ll travel the world” when they are living on social security.  Listen for terms of exaggeration, putting together what you know (or believe) about them with how they’re presenting themselves.

Men tell me that women “lie” with their photos.  This is tricky.  Take a look at any person’s 4 photos and they can look very different in each one.  Also, as you know, some people are photogenic, and some are not.  Men, who seem particularly interested in the appearance of the woman, are furious when they meet the woman and find out the photo was 5 years old.  If you’ve changed your hairstyle, gained or lost poundage, you can explain this at some point. Personally I would eliminate any man who’s too hung up on appearance.  It isn’t a lasting thing, and may be an indication of someone who’s after a sexual affair only.

Nevertheless, it’s shocking to be prepared to meet a man who says he’s 5’8” tall and weighs 150 lbs. and it turns out he’s 5’4” tall and weighs 200.  Depending upon your tastes, the actual size may not matter so much as the fact that it was grossly represented.  Sooner or later you’ll be found out, so be upfront.

This applies also to matters of smoking and drinking.  Wish they’d reword the sites, but if they say they “never drink,” check out why.  They could be in recovery, and you need to know this, and if so, for how long.

Watch for inconsistencies.  They say they have two kids, then none.   Check this out.  Pin them down.  It’s better to find out early.  It’s possible there’s an explanation for their mis-writing, or it may be a blatant lie to hide something.  It’s up to you to investigate.

Giving the majority of Internet daters the benefit of the doubt, let’s say there are a good number who are viable candidates.  The last thing you have to consider is the level of their experience, or the newness to being single. The Internet is a natural for people who are shy, newly divorced or widowed, or ambivalent.  You will have contacts with these people, perhaps more so than in the real world, because it takes less assertiveness to get on the Internet than to go out dancing or to singles functions.

These folks will get to the “open communication” stage and then you’ll never hear from them again.  They may agree to meet with you and not show up.  Take it in stride.  They got scared or weren’t ready.  The joy of the Internet is that it’s relatively painless that way.  They were timid and practicing, and they tested it out on you.  Just get back in there and keep looking.  With practice you’ll identify the signs earlier.  You may also inquire as to their dating history and refuse to be someone else’s “first.”

It may be you’ll get less desperate and needy people on the Internet, because it takes time.  If someone’s “got to have”a woman or man, it stands to reason they’ll go out to a baror night club, and not take the time to fill out an Internet form and initiate emailing.  There are other equally desperate and needy members of the opposite sex available in the obvious locations in any town, and it’s a quicker end to their goal.

If you use your emotional intelligence and pay attention,and have some good luck, who knows?  You may meet the man or woman of your dreams through an Internet dating site.

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©Susan Dunn, MA, Personal Life & EQ Coach,  http://www.susandunn.cc .  Offering coaching, Internet courses and ebooks for midlife transition, and personal and professional development.  Susan is the author of “The Midlife Dating Survival Manual for Women,” available on herwebsite.   Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for free EQ ezine.